The Love You Don’t Want
Back in college, I met a guy named Dave. I liked him. We talked on the phone, went out to dinner and did homework together; only there were no sparks.
I was pretty sure the feeling was mutual. After all, he never gave me any sign he was interested. In fact, he always wore sweats and a holy t-shirt when we hung out and never made any effort to clean his dorm room. The place was a mess with candy wrappers, cloths and papers piled everywhere. If he had any romantic intentions, I thought surely he would have at least thrown out the trash before I came over.
He definitely had his good points though. He was super smart (in fact he was a pre-med student), and would help me study for exams even though my major was almost the opposite of his. He was also really fun to hang out with. I would always be in stitches of laughter when we would walk around campus or get coffee at “The Daily Grind.”
Looking back, I suppose I was super naive to think he didn’t have feelings for me, but I was a 19 year old girl. My experience with the opposite sex was limited to a few heavily monitored dates in high school. I simply didn’t grasp the concept that heterosexual men and women generally can’t be friends.
I guess I would say Dave was my closest friend during my second year of college and most of my third. During that time he did try to kiss me twice after a night of drinking; but when I rejected him he laughed it off the next day saying he didn’t mean it.
The middle of my Junior year was when things changed. I met someone. He was a tall European guy named Nikki who never gave off any pretense of friendship. He looked at me with lust like a tiger stalking its prey and I instantly had a crush.
When I told Dave about my new love interest, he laughed it off. He made jokes about how stupid the guy’s accent was, and how his athletic build basically branded him a Neanderthal. I laughed, but when Nikki asked me out, nothing Dave could do or say could stop it. It was a force of nature and I was thrust in Nikki’s direction almost beyond my will.
Then one day after taking me to a movie, the handsome European brought me back to my dorm, stood in the doorway and said confidently while looking in my eyes “What do you think?”
“About what?” I asked, wondering what he was getting at.
“About this.” he said and pulled me to him. He then kissed me in a way that had me feeling it in my toes.
Not long after, Nikki asked me to be his official girlfriend, and I was swept away. We spent entire weekends in bed, went out to dinner, movies, and became basically inseparable. Dave was swept to the side, and I hardly gave him a thought as I was completely in love with Nikki.
That’s when things with Dave got complicated. He told me he was in love with me and had all these feelings I honestly didn’t know were there.
I wasn’t sure how to react. More than anything I felt sorry for him. I made excuses saying “you’ll be going to med school next year in another state.” and “I don’t like long distance relationships.”
He told me he would take a year off. That he would stay with me and go to med school later. That he couldn’t stand to lose me after we had gotten so close. He cried real tears, and weeks after with the flood of e-mails I became truly fearful he would attempt suicide. I wasn’t sleeping, and eventually had to cut all ties with him as he was effecting my health and well being. In fact, it was a relief to come back for senior year knowing he was safely on the other side of the country.
It’s been 15 years since then.
I married Nikki.
We had a child.
Then Dave found me on social media.
At first glance he seemed to be doing well. He graduated from med school and now held a PHD in Internal Medicine. He had a great job in a hospital and though he was still single, he looked to have a great house in Texas and took vacations with his parents and sibilings. I was happy for him.
Then things got weird.
I got all kinds of messages saying things like “for 10 years my computer password is your phone number from college.” and “It’s the anniversary of the first time we went to ‘The Daily Grind.'” Things that might have been romantic if we had, you know, actually had a romance; but honestly I found a little creepy.
Then he became mean on social media. Every time I would post something, he was the first to answer, and usually with a sarcastic comment. When we went skiing, he responded with a snarky comment and picture of the tropics as if to say “I have it better where I am.” On Valentine’s day we posted a picture where we splurged at an upscale restaurant. His comment? “Nice place…for redneck Virginia I suppose.”
I suppose I understand. I’ve had my own history of obsession with men who, for whatever reason, didn’t return my affections. I have certainly felt like trash talking their facebook posts, but even so, I restrain myself. Though I may be jealous of their spouse, I certainly would never respond to a vacation photo with more than a “Looks like fun.”
That’s why, though it’s flattering someone at one time felt so strongly about me, I had to block Dave from my social media posts. Part of me has a soft spot for him as not many people come along and fall head over heels in love, but his behavior is hurtful to my family.
All in all, it’s taken 15 years, but I finally have learned the lesson: men and women can’t be friends, and I made the right decision in choosing Nikki for my husband.
Pieces of Me 