Feeling Nothing on the 19th Anniversary of September 11th

When 9/11 happened, I was at grad school in North Carolina. I walked from my apartment to the music building where I was greeted by a guy who almost certainly had a crush on me. He said something like “Did you hear? They blew up the world trade center!”

I went into the music library perplexed, logged on to one of the then state of the art computers and saw a picture of one of the twin towers billowing in smoke. I was shocked right along with everyone else. The next thing I knew, someone was telling me classes were cancelled, and I went back to my apartment to watch the news.

By the time I returned, the other tower had been flown into. I remember my fiancee called to make sure I was ok. So did my parents, and a few other friends. It had been a devistating blow for everyone.

Only it wasn’t for me.

In the aftermath, I watched as candelight vigils were set up on campus for the evenings following the attacks. Councellors were made available to us for help if we needed it, and there were numerous “moments of silence” everywhere I went from church services to music theory class. Everyone was mourning. Everyone was sad. Everyone but me.

I felt hollow about the whole thing. I looked around and wondered if it was an act people were putting on. I didn’t understand how those who didn’t know anyone personally involved in the tragedy could be so emotional about it. It didn’t make sense.

Intellectually, I understood it was a sad event. People lost their lives and the US was attacked. It wasn’t anything to celebrate, but even so, I wondered if it the display of emotion was all for show. That people knew the correct response was to cry and host services to further put up a display of sadness, so they simply went through the motions. I felt as though the response to the tragedy was an overreaction to what happened.

Even now, 19 years later, I want to feel something for the victims of 9/11 and wonder why I don’t.

On the flip side, I certainly feel pain and empathy for people I know personally. About a year ago, a friend of mine was incarcerated and that tore me to pieces. Another time, someone I knew was hospitalized after a psychotic break, and I was absolutely beside myself. When people come to me and tell me their problems, I’m right with them, and even have the ability to feel along with them, but for whatever reason, the 9/11 tragedy leaves me feeling…well, nothing.

I wish I knew why…

Still, the question begs to be asked, does it matter how I feel, or does it matter what I do? If I gave money to the 9/11 relief fund, is that just as good as if I truly felt something and gave money? If I go to candelight vigils and tried to feel something, is that better than if I didn’t try at all?

I don’t have the answer…

Black Live Matter Is A Joke, and Most Americans See It Now

For years, I’ve hated the BLM movement.

I’ve always felt calling someone racist without any evidence of them having done anything racist is ridiculous. That just by by virtue of being white, you are somehow inherently against blacks makes no sense.

It angers me even more to see rich black people argue racism is everywhere and America is a deeply racist place when they have millions more than I ever will. The most petty example of this is when Michelle Obama stood up and gave a speech proclaiming that she experienced racism because somebody cut her in line.

That was unreal to me. People cut me in line at least a few times a year. It’s a universal human experience if you live in the modern world. Maybe the person doing the cutting just found out a beloved family member died. Maybe they were just rude and would have cut anybody. Maybe she was standing in such a way that the person didn’t see she was in line. Being cut in line could have any number of reasons that don’t involve racism. Racism is not the default. In fact, it’s deeply narcisistic of Ms. Obama to think the entire world revolves around her and her skin color.

The NFL and NBA make me sick as well. Here we have all these millionaire sports stars taking knees and shutting down games, for what? To elevate criminals?

I hear over and over and over again: black people are hunted by the police; yet in every instance I’ve heard about during the pandemic where a white officer shoots a black person, the person shot is A. breaking the law and B. Very dangerous. People don’t look at the evidence though, they simply assume the police saw a black man and decided to shoot.

It’s sickening that George Floyd has been elevated to sainthood. When the toxicology report came out, he had enough fentanyl in his system to kill an elephant. The knee on the neck didn’t help, but he died of an overdose. Fentanyl depresses the system and causes air passages to block. That’s what happens when people OD. To make things worse, the police were very polite to Mr. Floyd, up until he resisted arrest. Of course after the fact, we find out Mr. Floyd was a career criminal who had spent time in prison for drugs and armed robbery. The mainstream media glosses over that.

In the case of Rayshard Books, I find it unnerving how anyone could watch the tape of officers shooting this man when he actively tried to resist arrest and tase a cop. To make matters worse, this man had a warrant out for his arrest and was drunk driving. The man was passed out behind the wheel of a car. Again the police were very nice to him. They spoke to him in a very polite manner and treated him well up until the point that he resisted arrest. Jacob Blake too was a criminal who was allegedly under the influence and had a warrant out for sexual assault. He was shot because he went for a weapon under the seat of his car.

I have no idea why these shootings have inspired violence and rioting. It makes no sense at all. In every instance, the men shot were horrible people who should be in prison. These are men that black people called the police on. They aren’t good guys.

I saw on a left wing television show lately that stated officers are required to have 8 hours of psychology training, and about 200 in weapons and protection, and only 6 weeks of classes when they attend Police Academy. This is a half truth and makes it seem as though any idiot can become a police officer. Yes, this is the training you get in Police Academy. However, in order to be considered eligible for the Police Academy in the first place, almost all forces in the United States require an associates in law enforcement training and many places require a bachelors to get started. Police officers do have to take conflict deescalation and psychology, and a lot of it. They don’t simply breeze through a `6 week course and handed the keys to a squad car. It absolutely doesn’t work like that. The Police Academy is simply to get you acquainted with laws and procedures in your area. Officers are also required to attend continuing education courses throughout their service.

Of course, any hint that the police is wrong and criminals are right (so long as they are black) is ignored by the media. They keep selling the narrative that black people are horribly discriminated against, and any article to the contrary is thrown off Google or Youtube. They are doing the same thing with Covid-19, stating that anything offering a perspective other than gloom and doom for the country is censored.

Fortunately, there is some hope. Trump is ending funding for race and ethnicity training at the federal level, and most people are glad about it. Most Americans are tried of being told they are racist when they aren’t, and most black people are tired of being seen as victims who need kid gloves and hand outs from white people.