Hopefully The End Of It-

For a month my former crush talked to an attractive female client in the hallway every Tuesday for an hour.

I had no right to care. We’re both married.  He wasn’t mine and had never been mine. I had no claim to him; yet it cut to the depths of my soul to see him talk to her the same way he used to talk to me when our crush was mutual.

For weeks I seethed in silence before things came crashing down.

I was having a legitimate meeting with a client, and he stood talking to this woman not three feet away from my office.  I couldn’t escape, and the longer the meeting drug on the more convinced I was he was deliberately trying to get a reaction from me.

After all, the day before he had come in my office looking for something he knew was unlikely to be there, and last week he came to my office to tell me one of my clients had arrived. This was even though the secretary had already informed me. I felt like he was trying to gauge my reaction to his new found love affair.  I hadn’t reacted yet, so he took it one step further and started flirting with her right in front of my office.

My anger went from simmering to boiling.

Finally, when the session was over and my emotions felt like they had been brutally scraped over hot coal, I’d had enough. I had worked myself up to such a fever pitch and could think of nothing but rage. I walked past him, looked him straight in the eyes and shot him the look of death.

I went back to my office feeling justified, got through one more meeting and cried all the way home.

I cried because I realized was he didn’t look defiant when I locked eyes with him. Instead he looked guilty. In fact, he looked like a dog caught digging a bed of prize petunias. He wasn’t trying to make me jealous like I had imagined; he had legitimately moved on and was maybe even sorry he hurt my feelings.

Once I made the realization, the fact that my adoration wasn’t returned came crashing down on me. He had not only moved on, but was pulling the same moves on a new woman, and didn’t care about me. They would have the same intense emotional relationship for awhile, but he’d never sleep with her because of his wife. History was repeating itself.

I spent a few days wondering endlessly what I should do. I asked a friend who knew the situation what her opinion was and talked to my sister. My friend advised me to write a nasty letter telling him how unprofessional it was to flirt at work and how inconsiderate he was of my feelings. My sister thought I should try to communicate with him over coffee, but I didn’t feel either way was the best way to handle it.

Three days later I wrote him an e-mail apologizing for my immature behavior. I shouldn’t have glared at him. He’s an adult who can do what he wants. Nothing ever happened between us. I had an all encompassing crush that never went anywhere and that was it. I know in my soul the feelings were mutual for a time, but because nothing ever came of it, I didn’t have any justification at all for my behavior. That’s why I decided write a short apology and pledge to be more professional in the future.

I’m pretty sure he understood why I reacted the way I did without my spelling it out. I’m obviously not the moral police and we did have a relationship of sorts for a time, so I doubt he would think the reaction was on behalf of his wife. Raw jealousy was my motivation and I think he knows that. I was jealous he wasn’t paying attention to me. That he was seemingly willing to cheat on his wife with a client, but not with me—even if I’m not entirely sure I wanted things to go that far.

He never did reply to my e-mail, but sought me out at work and I apologized in person. I said basically the same thing I had written out. “I’m sorry I glared at you the other day. It was wrong of me and I shouldn’t have done it.”

He accepted my apology, with a look in his eyes that showed me he cared. He knew exactly why I was upset. I almost think he would have told me he was sorry too, but I didn’t give him the opportunity. I was humiliated both that I had feelings and that I acted on them and the fight or flight response kicked in. “Maybe I was having a bad day, I don’t know.” I said just wanting to get it over with. “Again I apologize profusely.” I said and walked out.

It’s been two weeks and he has stopped talking to the new lady in the hallway. I have no idea if he is seeing her outside of work, but at least this new relationship is no longer right in front of me. I didn’t explicitly point it out to him that I wanted him to stop, but I got what I wanted. I wish I was happy about it, but I don’t know that I am.

It’s just that he has become a comforting thought for far too long and even now it’s hard not to think about him when life gets hard. Whenever the world comes crashing down on me, I think of him and my problems retreat to the back burner. When my son does badly in school, I think of him. If I have a difficult day, the thought of this other man I never speak to anymore gives me comfort. When I had a miscarriage, he was there in my mind to whisk me away. He’s a fantasy, not a reality, and I’ve been using him as a crutch for far too long.

I hope this is the end of it and I can move on.

Signs Of Attraction In Men

One day you’re bored at work, counting the hours until the weekend, but now that you’ve met him, Monday can’t come fast enough. You take more time getting dressed in the morning, start spending way too much money on your hair, and wonder constantly if he feels the same way about you.

It can be maddening to have a crush and not know if he likes you back, so if you are in purgatory trying to determine if the feelings are mutual, here are some sure fire signs of attraction that will help you decide if love is in the air.

You Start To See Him More Often

If he generally stays in his office and out of sight, but you start to see him hovering around your desk or in the hallways when he knows you’ll be walking by, he could have a crush. If he’s shy he may not even acknowledge you by saying “hi,” but even so you’ll catch him stealing sidelong glances and hoping you notice the extra work he put in at the gym.

He Mirrors Your Actions

This is a big one. If you cross your arms and he follows suit, then you scratch your head and he does the same, you’re in. Recent studies suggest that women mirror people they are talking to all the time, but men aren’t wired to do the same—unless they are sexually attracted. So if you shrug your shoulders and he mirrors the gesture you can pretty much bet he’s tuned in to you.

He Shows Off

In the animal kingdom a male peacock will prance around showing off his feathers for a mating partner. Humans are no different. If your cutie boasts about his guitar collection or the great surfboard he just bought, he cares what you think and wants to impress you. People only try to impress people when they value their opinion, so if he’s bragging about the raise he got last month, he probably has a thing for you.

He Touches You

If he hands you a pencil and your fingers graze, it could be just an accident, but if he touches you more than once during an interaction, he’s probably smitten. People generally have a good gauge of distance, so if he sits next to you and grazes your arm then accidentally bumps your leg with his, he’s probably thinking of you intently–on and off the clock.

Eye Contact

If he passes you in the hallway and he always looks you in the eye, he could have a crush. When people are attracted to one another they try to determine if the attraction is mutual by looking them in the eye. If you’re talking to him and he maintains eye contact, that’s good, but if he’s gazing into your eyes, even better.

His Eyes Shine

When people look at something they like, their eyes shine and literally sparkle with happiness. If you look at him and notice his eyes have a sheen to them, he probably has a crush.

He Stands Tall In Your Presence

If you notice all of a sudden that a guy has great posture, he’s probably subconsciously showing off his body for you. Most guys, unless they are in fabulous shape, slouch when they don’t care about impressions. So, if his posture improves around you, it’s a safe bet he wants to woo you with his manly physique making himself as large and strong looking as possible.

He Smiles At You A Lot

If you are talking to him, and he has a goofy grin on his face, regardless of what he’s talking about, he probably has it pretty bad. He might be telling you his sister broke her arm, but because he’s so happy to be talking to you he can’t help but grin.

Power of Status In the Male Mind

“I was thinking it would be kind of fun to go to California.”  I told my husband over dinner.  He picked up a piece of bread and buttered it.  “You know, just to get away for a few days.”  He shrugged and didn’t say anything so I went on.

“Robbie said he was playing some gigs at Newport beach.  Sounded like he was really excited about it.”

“Oh, I get it.  you want to go to California because you have a crush on Robbie.”  he cut me off flatly and looked me in the eye.

I tried to remain calm.  It was true.  He’d caught me red handed.  Whatever my husband had to say was well earned.  I had spent the last year not only crushing on Robbie, but having what I’m pretty sure any psychologist would classify as an emotional affair.  All this while my husband was crisscrossing the country on business, too worried about making deals to think about my fidelity.

I had to cover my tracks.  After all, we never did sleep together, and now I was mostly over it.  Only a thin layer of residue remained of my crush.  Just enough to cause a flare up for a few days after the odd conversation in the hallway.

“Are you out of your mind!?” I tried to sound disgusted. “He just got me thinking about how much fun we had last year at Newport beach.  Robbie’s been blabbering about this California thing to anybody who will listen.  It’s not like I want to go hear him play or anything.”  I paused.  “Besides, ewe.  He’s…totally not my style.”

“Nope, you have a huge ginormous crush on that old broken down hippy.”  He stated.  Then he winked, smiled, and stabbed some lettuce with a fork.

I silently thanked God.  He was just messing with me.  I heaved a huge inward sigh of relief.

“It’s all that long flowing hair.”  He laughed and I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, give me some of that.” I went on, “I love guys who practically live out of  their Volkswagen buses.”  I said even though I was fully aware Robbie drove a Chevy truck.

I waited a few beats then scrambled to change the subject.

My husband told me once—a long time ago– that he was only threatened by men who made more money and had more possessions than he did.

It sounds like this statement was made by a caveman, but not at all.   My husband is no dummy. He’s smart and successful.  He commands a six figured salary, has a nice house, nice car, cute kid and an attractive wife (or at least a really in shape wife who takes care of her looks).  In his mind, he’s put his steak in his territory and scared off all the other men who might think they could waltz in and take over for him.

And yet I fell for Robbie.

I suppose it’s the element of fantasy that plays into it.  If I were single, I would never give the aging hippy a second look.  If I were single and he came after me on one of those dating websites, I would tell him to jump off a bridge.  For one thing, he’s too old.  For another, he doesn’t make a lot of money. Maybe 30 grand tops…about what I make to do the same job.  Practically speaking, he’s no catch.

But what he lacks in monetary value, he more than makes up for with personality.

I was so alone during the last year romantically speaking, and here was this guy talking to me about work and playing the guitar.  He understood my job better than my absentee husband did, and looked at me intently as I recounted the details of my lessons.

It wasn’t long before I returned his affections and could tell he felt lucky that I would give him the time of day.  I suppose it was that gratefulness that drew me in.  Pretty soon we were hugging at every opportunity, finding ways to touch each other and spending our conversations transfixed on one another.

Only now that it’s over I have to live with the guilt.  I live in fear that I’ll be found out.  That my husband will somehow find out, even though we never even friended each other on Facebook.

I suppose it’s only the fact that my husband never considered that women are attracted to men for more than simply their monetary value.  I may tell him eventually, but for now, I prefer to keep it hush hush.

When You Don’t Want To Let Go Of A Crush

He’s certainly not the smartest man I’ve ever met.  Not even close, actually.

He did give me a few good pointers when I took guitar lessons from him, but they were pretty few and far between.  Most of what I learned I taught myself, and have learned more from my new teacher, Tom in one short month than what I learned from HIM in over a year.

Yet somehow it’s endearing and I don’t care.

Once he said,  “So you’re husband’s a really smart guy, huh?”

I shook my head and downplayed it before saying “He doesn’t know anything about music though.”  I said to make him feel better.

I didn’t want to tell him my husband has won awards for solving problems and saving entire companies from ruin with his intelligence.  “Smart” doesn’t really sum it up.  The man is BRILLIANT.  So brilliant, it blows anything Tommy might do or say out of the water.

Yet I still want Tommy.  No matter how much better a man my husband is.

I guess it’s because he has heart, and that’s what I love.  He’s emotional.  Musical, and poetic.  I just think he’s…cool.

And I haven’t seen him in days.  Weeks, really.  I miss him.  I miss him a lot.

I do wonder if he ever thinks of me.

I have tried so hard to ignore him, and have done a good job of it, but  even though I know it’s for the best I just don’t want to let him go.

I wish I could have a beautiful moment with him.  A moment where we could kiss and cuddle, and float on the clouds together for an afternoon.  Something that I could look back on and remember fondly.  We wouldn’t necessarily have to have sex, just enjoy the thrill of being together and feeling the floating feeling of being in love.

People never forget the feeling of mutual love do they?

I suppose it’s because it comes by so rarely.  I don’t have many beautiful memories of spending time with many of the men I’ve loved.  Just a few.  One was a perfect highly anticipated date where I could tell both of us were thrilled to be in each other’s company. Then there was the time I spent a wonderful afternoon listening to music and talking with another man.  And of course the most powerful memory of all which was a late May afternoon with a man when the weather was perfect where we rolled in the grass so happy to be together.  The Beatles song “Good Day Sunshine” always reminds me of that day 15 years ago.

I wish I could share a day, or a moment with Tommy.

I suppose I have to some extent.  Our crush was very mutual and I felt it.  It’s just that we never did touch except for a few hugs, and deep eye contact.   I’ll always remember the first time he looked at me with love in his eyes.  I suppose that will have to do for my moment.

Why can’t I just let go?