Signs Of A Commitment Phobic Person

The term commitment phobia gets tossed around a lot like “ADD” and “bipolar.” Just like the other two pop psychology terms, it’s become a way for people to rationalize failures in their lives without having to blame themselves. It’s a way to avoid admitting you were a “Ms. Right Now”rather than a “Ms. Right.”

In reality, true Commitment phobia is a rare. It effects .0001 percent of the population and stems from childhood experiences where the primary caregiver is unwilling or unable to bond with a child in his or her early years. As it can happen to both men and women, and as it is a difficult problem to overcome, it’s best to recognize the signs and let the person go before years are wasted in a push pull relationship that can be extremely painful to get out of.  Here are some signs of true commitment phobics:

A Perfect Start

The commitment phobic will be completely charming at the beginning of a relationship. They’ve had so much practice getting people to like them, they are masters at reeling people in. Did the relationship seem almost too good to be true at first? Did he or she declare there is something special about you before they knew you? Did they seem to understand you like nobody else ever has?

If a person is truly interested in a long term relationship, they will be weighing what you say in the beginning very carefully to see if your beliefs align with theirs. Commitment phobics only want the chase and beginning stages of a relationship so they don’t necessarily care more than superficially about what type of person you are. Subconsciously they don’t want you long term, so they are less apt to care if your religion or education matches up with theirs. They see your company as temporary and will say whatever it takes to get your attention for the moment.

FaceBook Use

Is the person reluctant to add you on FaceBook, and is their use of it sketchy? Does he or she use an alias or hide behind a business and can’t be found easily? How about friends, are there only a few? When he or she does post, are statuses impersonal and infrequent? If so, the person could be trying to dodge people from his past—like numerous exes.

Age

Of course commitment phobics can be any age, but if he or she is older than 35 (or worse 40) and has never had a significant relationship lasting longer than a few months or a year, he or she likely has a problem. Of course the person will have excuses for why they never married or lived with anyone a long stretch of time: they were focused on career, moved around a lot, they were taking care of someone sick, etc; but in the grand scheme of things, it’s just an excuse.

Obsessed with how they look

When people are in a relationship and feel safe they generally let themselves go a little. It’s not to say they don’t care about appearance, but don’t worry as much about their waistline, their clothing doesn’t have to be on point, and they may not do their hair on weekends because they are with someone who values them for more than looks alone. The commitment phobic person never feels secure enough to truly let their real self be known so they are always in dating mode. They will continue to go to the gym, whiten their teeth, be interested in waxing, and won’t have desert after dinner. Not that you can’t be well groomed in a relationship, but these people don’t ever change their habits even a little bit to show they are comfortable and moving towards something more permanent.

Moving Around A Lot

Commitment phobics tend to change addresses and hold jobs where they can control things on their terms. Did they move in with an ex only to move out a month later? Did the person live in an apartment for awhile only to find a million things wrong with it and move when the lease was up? Commitment phobics tend not to stay in one place for too long and find it difficult to commit to a job or living situation where they have to really nail themselves down.

Lots of Exes

This one is fairly obvious, but if the person has a string of exes, it’s very likely the person is commitment phobic. If someone admits to having a different boyfriend or girlfriend every six months or so, that should be a neon light over their head announcing you should not to get involved.  If the person is in their late 30’s or early 40’s that goes double.

All in all, it can be very difficult to spot a commitment phobic before it’s too late, but if you pay attention to these signs, it can save a lot of heartache before you get too deeply involved.  Good luck in life and love.

Dealing Somewhat Successfully With A Commitment Phobic

After my divorce 3 years ago, I met a guy.

He was the whole package.  He cared about his health, was in great shape, and had a career as a  human rights lawyer.

He was also really into me.

He texted throughout the day and called every single night.  For hours he would patiently listen to my stories and remember details: my favorite boy band from high school and  where my family traveled on childhood vacations.  He even remembered things about my boss, and offered sound, yet unobtrusive insights into whatever drama I was dealong with at the time.

It was like nothing I had ever experienced with a man.  Even my ex-husband had never been so attentive.

In retrospect, this should have been my first red flag.

After my divorce though, his attention was balm to my wounds.  I needed TLC, and fell in love fast.  I couldn’t believe my luck.  This guy was handsome and successful.  Practically a romance novel come to life.

Things only got better.  There were dinners and flowers.  Impressive tickets to shows and the symphony.  There was no mountain too tall or no river too wide.  I was being romanced.  Big time.

Sure, a small part of me knew his overtures were excessive.  There was really no basis for his adoration, but I didn’t listen to myself.  I was being loved, and it felt fantastic.  I felt better than I had in years.

Then one day he stopped calling.

Was it something I said?  Did I screw up somehow?

It had been three days and not even a text.

I cried and cried.   I had read somewhere men were like “rubber bands” snapping back and forth emotionally, so I decided to give him room to breathe.  By the fourth day though, I was worried things were over, so I confronted him and gave him a call.

“I haven’t heard from you for a few days and thought I would check in.”  I said when he finally picked up the phone.

“Yeah, sorry.  I guess I’ve been busy.”  he explained.

“Well, I wanted to make sure everything was ok.”  I hesitated.  “And I wondered if you still wanted to go to dinner next week.”  I asked, unsure of myself.

“Yeah, sure.  We’ll get together.”  he said off the cuff.

I hung up.   Relief washed over me.  I had grown over the last few months to depend on him emotionally and I flet luke I needed him.  It was weird though. There was a shift.  The tables had turned.  I was now the aggressor, but thank God he hadn’t broken things off.  We were still together.

As the weeks passed, he seemed to find little things wrong with me.  At first, he had said dating a woman with a kid was fantastic.   “Women with kids are more grown up and have a better capacity to love” he had declared.  Now he was hinting he wanted a clean slate.  “I don’t think I want step children.” He told me over coffee.

There were other things too.  “You’re too young for me.”  he would say, citing our 10 year age difference.  At first he loved that about me because I was still young enough to have kids.   Now it was a handicap because I couldn’t relate to his experience.

At this point though, I was in love, or at least thought I was.  I let his comments go.  I genuinely thought that if  I loved him enough, things would be like they were in the beginning.  He would see me like he used to.

I read feverishly about men and relationships.  I scoured the internet leaving no stone unturned.  I couldn’t think, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t do anything other than focus on how things were going in the relationship.

Eventually, I decided he was a commitment phobic.

All the signs were there.  He was 44 and had never been married.  In fact, he never had a relationship lasting longer than 6 months.  Sure, I had cocked an eyebrow when he told me he was “too career focused for love,” but now things fell into place.  His rocky relationship with his mother, the problems his siblings had.  He had commitment phobia.

Part of me wanted to walk away, only now I was a junkie for his attention.  I was desperate to get back to that initial rush he had given me in the beginning and would do anything for it.

I spent all my free time reading about commitment phobia and researching ways to overcome it.  I read scholarly articles and learned the problem is an attachment disorder.  That the person never felt secure in his or her mother’s love.  Because of this, they feel worthless and look for ways to prove this worthlessness in a relationship.

Basically, after winning someone over, the commitment phobic looks for ways to sabotage the relationship.  It’s almost a way to prove that they are right about themselves: they aren’t good enough.

After realizing the root cause of the problem, I became obsessed.  I felt like I was playing a game of relationship chess.  I researched every move before making it, carefully considering the consequences and advantages.  I would neglect to return his calls in a calculating way.  Talk to him only briefly before declaring that I had a fictitious obligation, and never, ever would I be the first to text.

I was letting him think I didn’t care so he would have no other choice but to pursue me.  Over time I thought that if I gave him plenty of space, and didn’t push him, he would grow to have real love for me.  That I could trap him into really and honestly falling for me.

My boldest move and biggest pay off was Valentine’s day.  I told him I wasn’t into celebrating.  I declared it was too painful after my divorce, and I wanted to go to bed and forget the world was in love on THAT day.

He literally begged me to “at least do lunch.”  I became wishy washy but eventually “caved in.” I received a warm romance filled card and flowers, and a decadent lunch turned dinner and then as a finale ended at his place the morning after.  I finally felt like I had in the beginning.

All in all, I spent a little over a year pushing and pulling with this guy.  After that I lost patience.  I had a talk with him, and while it hurt like hell, I broke things off.

It was like ripping off a band-aid.  The wound smarted for weeks, but three years later I’m glad I did it.   Deep in my heart I knew the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and I deserved better, and I couldn’t go on playing games forever.

I do receive updates and cards once in awhile from him, and they make me smile.   He always reminds me that I was his my longest relationship to date.

Understanding Commitment Phobia: One Woman’s Story

“I moved out of my boyfriend’s house.”  my 40 year old  friend Jessie texted me a month ago.

I was not surprised.  She always dated inappropriate men, and this guy was 15 years her junior.  He still needed acne medication.

Her dating life was always a side show.   Since college, it was a new guy every few months, and never anyone more than a year.    She also had a few eyebrow raising flings with married men that were particularly disturbing.

When we were in our 20’s, I reasoned she was young, beautiful, and blonde.  Just having fun as the saying goes.  She would settle down with Mr. Right a little later.  After all, most of us were pretty wild (though maybe not that much) when we were first let loose from our parents.

I was wrong.

In her 30’s, she tried dating someone her own age–once.  It lasted less than 6 months.  “I like him, but he can only support himself.  He could never add on a wife and a kid.” she told me over coffee.  I had met him and liked him.  He was a musician, super talented and sweet from what I could tell.  I couldn’t see anything wrong with him except that she would have to continue to work after marriage.  Something she didn’t want to give up anyway.

The next week she broke up with him.

A year later he married someone else and she was back to dating man after man, always finding something glaringly wrong with them.

“At a certain point, shouldn’t you decide to love someone even if they aren’t 100 percent perfect?”  I tried to tell her over the phone as my three year old whimpered in the background.  “there is no such thing as prince charming.”  I stopped there, deciding it wouldn’t be nice to point out how one guy was “too redneck” so she dumped him, then the next was too smart and made her feel dumb.

“I’m not going to settle!”  she stated firmly, so I shrunk back into my shell and resumed my role as staunch supporter.

Maybe I shocked her into a reality check because soon after she sought out a therapist.

Finally, with help, she was able to dive into her childhood and make the connection that her fear of commitment was firmly rooted in her past.    Her father died when she was 9 and her mother seemingly dealt with it by not eating.  The women who was supposed to love her became very ill, and had to be hospitalized because of malnourishment on several occasions.

The anorexia and death may not be linked, but her therapist helped her understand she  subconsciously sees the two as cause and effect.  Whenever a man gets close enough to become serious, the child inside of is thrown into a panic.  She is afraid history will repeat itself.  That her husband will die and she will be thrown into a fit of self harming behavior.

Now under a therapists care,  She says that going through life with childhood wounds like hers is akin to stumbling around in the dark, never knowing when you will trip on something.  Talking things out with a professional helped her to turn the light on so that she could side step any obstacles.

I don’t know if she’s cured, but understanding is the first step towards recovery.

She has a date with a man next week.  He’s in his early 40’s and a manager at a company, so we’ll see how things go.