Feeling Nothing on the 19th Anniversary of September 11th

When 9/11 happened, I was at grad school in North Carolina. I walked from my apartment to the music building where I was greeted by a guy who almost certainly had a crush on me. He said something like “Did you hear? They blew up the world trade center!”

I went into the music library perplexed, logged on to one of the then state of the art computers and saw a picture of one of the twin towers billowing in smoke. I was shocked right along with everyone else. The next thing I knew, someone was telling me classes were cancelled, and I went back to my apartment to watch the news.

By the time I returned, the other tower had been flown into. I remember my fiancee called to make sure I was ok. So did my parents, and a few other friends. It had been a devistating blow for everyone.

Only it wasn’t for me.

In the aftermath, I watched as candelight vigils were set up on campus for the evenings following the attacks. Councellors were made available to us for help if we needed it, and there were numerous “moments of silence” everywhere I went from church services to music theory class. Everyone was mourning. Everyone was sad. Everyone but me.

I felt hollow about the whole thing. I looked around and wondered if it was an act people were putting on. I didn’t understand how those who didn’t know anyone personally involved in the tragedy could be so emotional about it. It didn’t make sense.

Intellectually, I understood it was a sad event. People lost their lives and the US was attacked. It wasn’t anything to celebrate, but even so, I wondered if it the display of emotion was all for show. That people knew the correct response was to cry and host services to further put up a display of sadness, so they simply went through the motions. I felt as though the response to the tragedy was an overreaction to what happened.

Even now, 19 years later, I want to feel something for the victims of 9/11 and wonder why I don’t.

On the flip side, I certainly feel pain and empathy for people I know personally. About a year ago, a friend of mine was incarcerated and that tore me to pieces. Another time, someone I knew was hospitalized after a psychotic break, and I was absolutely beside myself. When people come to me and tell me their problems, I’m right with them, and even have the ability to feel along with them, but for whatever reason, the 9/11 tragedy leaves me feeling…well, nothing.

I wish I knew why…

Still, the question begs to be asked, does it matter how I feel, or does it matter what I do? If I gave money to the 9/11 relief fund, is that just as good as if I truly felt something and gave money? If I go to candelight vigils and tried to feel something, is that better than if I didn’t try at all?

I don’t have the answer…